Trying To Keep The Volcanic Eruption At Bay

I hate dealing with feelings.  I always thought that everyone else had the problem, not me.  Classic victim mentality.  This just goes on to prove the one finger/four finger rule – if you are pointing a finger at someone, carefully take a time out to inspect those other four fingers which are pointing back at you.

Do I think that we are always at fault when those fingers are pointing back at you?  Perhaps.  But then again, perhaps not.  I’ve learned that I need to examine those four fingers closely though.  I need to make sure that someone’s action wasn’t a reaction to something I did.  After that I need to take a step back, take a deep breath (or a million deep breaths) and figure out how I’m going to handle the situation.

That right there is my down fall and I’m finally figuring this out at 50.  My normal response when I feel that someone has wronged me is either exploding – like a big geyser spewing hot liquid to all in my path; or, passive aggressive total bull shittiness .  Neither of these approaches are good approaches.  Sadly, that’s how I was raised – to respond one way or the other but let’s not deal with the true issue at hand.  Oh, your mad?  OK, let’s talk about it and then find some way to move on.  Nope, never that approach.  I don’t know how to be mad.  I mean actually I can get quite mad, but I don’t know how to deal with it in such a manner to be healthy and to be able to learn and grow from the situation.

Maybe it’s OK for me to be mad or upset, withdraw for a bit to come to terms with my feelings, then decide how to handle it, or maybe not to handle it.  Maybe I just need to say “this was really shitty what this person did”.  Then maybe I either need to come up with a good offense so that the person/people involved won’t have the opportunity to hurt me again.  Maybe I need to ball up and say “hey asshole – you hurt me.  Let’s handle this, shake and make up and move on.”

I’m really not sure how to do either.  Today I am hurting emotionally.  Someone I love did something that in my eyes really fucking sucked.  Like sucked so bad, how can he not see what a fucking asshole move that was.  I’m not sure how to handle it.  I want him to know that what he did hurt me and why it hurt me.  I think my problem is, I just want him to be wrong.  I don’t want to hear that perhaps he did what he did because I hurt him.  Perhaps I don’t want to listen to the bull-shit excuses as to why he feels justified in his actions.  Perhaps what I want him to say is “I’m sorry that hurt, I can see why that hurt, and in the future, I will try to not let that happen again.”  Damn it!  Why can’t I just write the play.  You know, like a 30 minute sitcom.  There will be a problem and a solution, my solution, and then all go and live happily ever after!

Cheers my friends.  I need to go figure some shit out!